Joke thread

[major]

Post a joke .... the funnier the better

[major]

A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper. " Hello ? "
"Is your daddy home?" he asked.
" Yes ," whispered the small voice.
May I talk with him?"
The child whispered, " No ."
Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?" " Yes ."
"May I talk with her?" Again the small voice whispered, " No ."
Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"
" Yes ," whispered the child, " a policeman ".
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"
" No, he's busy ", whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?"
" Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman ," came the whispered answer.
Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the ear piece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"
" A helicopter " answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.
Again, whispering, the child answered, " The search team just landed a helicopter ."
Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"
Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle... " ME

[DDuranWo]

Hahahahaha..funny...

[major]

There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned." The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven." The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times."

The priest thought long and then said, "Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and drink the juice." The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?" The priest said, "No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face."

[Simons-Little-Bon-Bon]

hahahahahahaha

[Simons-Little-Bon-Bon]

Q- What do essex girls use for protection when they have sex?

A- A bus shelter.

Q- Whats and essex girls favourtie wine.

A- Can you take me to lakeside

[Inanna]

Q: how does a canadian ask you to get off their lawn?

A: Please...get off my lawn




im shite at telling jokes, just ask.......anyone

[Simons-Little-Bon-Bon]

lol

[major]

A doctor walks in to an exam room, searching for a pen in his pocket.
The doctor pulls out a rectal thermometer and says "Dammit, some asshole has my pen".

[Simons-Little-Bon-Bon]

LOL LOL hahahahhaa xxxx

[Inanna]

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed.



The chicken is sitting up against the headboard smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied smile on its face.



The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet, rolls over, and

says, "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question!!."

[DDuranWo]

Hahaha......

[Simons-Little-Bon-Bon]

A woman in the bar says that she wants to have plastic surgery to enlarge her breasts.
Her husband tells her, "Hey, you don't need surgery to do that. I know how to do it without surgery."
The lady asks, "How do I do it without surgery?"
"Just rub toilet paper between them."
Startled the lady asks, "How does that make them bigger?"
"I don't know, but it worked for your ass."

Q: Why do men masturbate?
A: It's sex with someone they love.

[major]

Micky and Minnie Mouse are in the divorce court.

The Judge looks at Mickey and says "I'm sorry I cant grant a divorce on the grounds that Minnie is insane"

"No no " shouts Mickey "I said she was fucking goofy !!!"


[ Thats one's just for you Gonnie ]

[stephy]

HAHA great jokes

[DDuranWo]

Micky and Minnie Mouse are in the divorce court.

The Judge looks at Mickey and says "I'm sorry I cant grant a divorce on the grounds that Minnie is insane"

"No no " shouts Mickey "I said she was fucking goofy !!!"


[ Thats one's just for you Gonnie ]

Thank you f**cking very much...

[major]

God said to Moses "Come forth and receive the Ten Commandments "

He came 5th and won an electric toaster

[Inanna]

the atheist said to the catholic...

you want me to stick that where?!?!?!

you want me to swallow what?!?!?!

what with the *bleeping* donkey?!?!

need a copilot?

[wolflady]

Oh man these jokes made me laugh way too much and I am loving this. oh man my tummy hurts

[major]

Why can't Miss Piggy count to 70?






Cos when she gets to 69 she gets a frog in the throat !!

[Inanna]

Q. Did you hear about the blind circumcicionist?
A. He got the sack

Q. Did you hear that the new and politically correct name for "lesbian".
A. It has been changed to "vagitarian".

Q. What does a poof and an ambulance have in common?
A. They both get loaded from the rear and go whoo-whoo!

Q. Why did god give men penises?
A. So they'd always have at least one way to shut a woman up!

[major]

A man says to his wife "Say something to me that will make me both happy and sad at the same time" the wife replies "You have a much bigger dick than your brother".

[Simons-Little-Bon-Bon]

girl is standing at The Gates Of Heaven when she hears horrible screams of pain and torture coming from inside.

She says to St. Peter, "What's going on?"

He says, "That's the sound of new angels getting big holes drilled into their backs for their wings, and small holes drilled into their heads for their halos."

She says, "Heaven sounds terrible. I think maybe I'd rather go to Hell."

St. Peter says, "In Hell, you'll be constantly raped and sodomized."

She says, "That's okay. I've already got holes for that." <<...

[major]

LOL !!! LOL

I like that one

[Simons-Little-Bon-Bon]

hehehehe

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