Joke thread
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Simons-Little-Bon-Bon
major
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major- newbie
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Number of posts : 52
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Registration date : 2007-06-11
Re: Joke thread
by Inanna Thu 28 Jun 2007, 5:25 pm
@major *grooooooooan* everyone know that one!! 
...A lady went into a bar in Waco and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on a
table. He had the biggest boots she'd ever seen.
The woman asked the cowboy if it was true what they said about men with big
feet being well endowed.
The cowboy grinned and said, "Shore is, little lady. Why don't you come on
out to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you?"
The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him.
The next morning she handed him a $100 bill.
Blushing, he said, "Well, thankee, ma'am. Ah'm real flattered. Ain't nobody
ever paid me fer mah services before."
"Don't be flattered... take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit."
...A lady went into a bar in Waco and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on a
table. He had the biggest boots she'd ever seen.
The woman asked the cowboy if it was true what they said about men with big
feet being well endowed.
The cowboy grinned and said, "Shore is, little lady. Why don't you come on
out to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you?"
The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him.
The next morning she handed him a $100 bill.
Blushing, he said, "Well, thankee, ma'am. Ah'm real flattered. Ain't nobody
ever paid me fer mah services before."
"Don't be flattered... take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit."
Inanna- newbie
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Number of posts : 31
Age : 52
Localisation : Canada
Registration date : 2007-06-13
Simons-Little-Bon-Bon- Admin
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Registration date : 2007-06-04 -
major- newbie
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Number of posts : 52
Age : 54
Localisation : Ireland
Registration date : 2007-06-11
Inanna- newbie
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Number of posts : 31
Age : 52
Localisation : Canada
Registration date : 2007-06-13
Re: Joke thread
by Inanna Fri 29 Jun 2007, 12:38 am
A guy walks into a Glasgow library and says to the prim looking librarian,
"Excuse me Miss, day ye hiv ony books on suicide?"
To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her
glasses, and says,
"Fuck off, ye'll no bring it back!"
"Excuse me Miss, day ye hiv ony books on suicide?"
To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her
glasses, and says,
"Fuck off, ye'll no bring it back!"
Inanna- newbie
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Number of posts : 31
Age : 52
Localisation : Canada
Registration date : 2007-06-13
Re: Joke thread
by Inanna Mon 02 Jul 2007, 7:54 pm
A man shouted to his wife, "Come here and look at my clock"!
She walks in and finds him naked with a hard-on.
She says, "That's not a clock"!
He says, "It will be when you put two hands and a face on it"
She walks in and finds him naked with a hard-on.
She says, "That's not a clock"!
He says, "It will be when you put two hands and a face on it"
Inanna- newbie
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Number of posts : 31
Age : 52
Localisation : Canada
Registration date : 2007-06-13
Re: Joke thread
by major Fri 13 Jul 2007, 8:11 pm
A man and woman were having marital problems so they went to see a marriage counselor.
The counselor, in an attempt to find some common ground from which to begin his analysis said,
"Tell me about anything the two of you have in common."
The husband spoke up and said, "Well, neither one of us sucks dicks."
The counselor, in an attempt to find some common ground from which to begin his analysis said,
"Tell me about anything the two of you have in common."
The husband spoke up and said, "Well, neither one of us sucks dicks."
major- newbie
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Number of posts : 52
Age : 54
Localisation : Ireland
Registration date : 2007-06-11
Re: Joke thread
by ~*Sarah*~ Sat 14 Jul 2007, 7:46 pm
The game of choice for unemployed people or maintenance level workers is basketball.
The game of choice for frontline workers is football.
The game of choice for middle management is tennis.
The game of choice for CEOs and executives is golf.
Conclusion: The higher up on the corporate ladder you are, the smaller your balls are.
A guy dies and goes to heaven. It's a slow day for St. Peter, so upon passing the entrance test, St. Peter says "I'm not very busy today. Why don't you let me show you around?"
The guy thinks it's a great idea and graciously accepts the offer. St. Peter shows him all the sights: the golf course, reading room, library, observation room, cafeteria and, finally, a HUGE room full of clocks.
"What's up with those clocks, Peter?"
"Everyone on earth has a clock that shows how much time he has left on earth. When a clock runs out of time, the person dies and comes to the Gates to be judged."
The guy thinks this makes sense, but notices that some of the clocks are going faster than others. He asks why that is.
"Every time a living person tells a lie, it speeds up his clock." This also makes sense, so the guy takes one last look around the room before leaving and notices one clock in the center of the ceiling. On this clock, both hands are spinning at an unbelievable rate.
"What's the story with that clock?"
"Oh, that," St. Peter replies. "That's Bill Clinton's clock. We decided to use it as a fan."
Once upon a time, a blonde became so sick of hearing blonde jokes that she had her hair cut and died brown. A few days later, as she was driving around the countryside, she stopped her car to let a flock of sheep pass.
Admiring the cute woolly creatures, she said to the shepherd, "If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one?" The shepherd, always the gentleman replied, "Of course." The blonde thought for a moment and for no discernible reason said, "352."
This being the correct number, the shepherd was, understandably, totally amazed and exclaimed, "You're right! O.K., I'll keep to my end of the deal. Take your pick of my flock." The blonde carefully considered the entire flock and finally picked one that was by far cuter and more playful than any of the others.
When she was done, the shepherd turned to her and said, "O.K., now I have a proposition for you. If I can guess your true hair color, can I have my dog back?"
A middle aged woman has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she has a near-death experience. During that experience she sees God and asks if this is it? God says "no" and explains that she has another 30-40 years to live.
Upon her recovery she decides to stay in the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction, breast augmentation, tummy tuck, etc. She even has someone come in and change her hair color. She figures since she has another 30-40 years, she might as well make the most of it.
She walks out of the hospital after the last operation and is killed by an ambulance speeding to the hospital. She arrives in front of God and asks, "I thought you said I had another 30-40 years?"
God replies, "Sorry, I didn't recognize you."
A man was fishing and he caught a crocodile. The crocodile told him, "Please let me go. I'll grant you any wish you desire." The man said, "Okay. I wish my todger could nearly touch the floor." .. the crocodile bit off his legs.
sorry went a bit mad
On Christmas morning, a cop on horseback was sitting at a traffic light. Next to him was a kid on his shiny new bike.
The cop said to the kid, "Nice bike you've got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"
The kid said, "Yeah."
The cop said, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike." The cop then proceeded to issue the kid a $20 bicycle safety violation ticket.
The kid took the ticket, but before he rode off he said, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"
Humoring the kid, the cop said, "Yeah, he sure did."
Kid replies .. "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top"
I'll stop there for now!!
The game of choice for frontline workers is football.
The game of choice for middle management is tennis.
The game of choice for CEOs and executives is golf.
Conclusion: The higher up on the corporate ladder you are, the smaller your balls are.
A guy dies and goes to heaven. It's a slow day for St. Peter, so upon passing the entrance test, St. Peter says "I'm not very busy today. Why don't you let me show you around?"
The guy thinks it's a great idea and graciously accepts the offer. St. Peter shows him all the sights: the golf course, reading room, library, observation room, cafeteria and, finally, a HUGE room full of clocks.
"What's up with those clocks, Peter?"
"Everyone on earth has a clock that shows how much time he has left on earth. When a clock runs out of time, the person dies and comes to the Gates to be judged."
The guy thinks this makes sense, but notices that some of the clocks are going faster than others. He asks why that is.
"Every time a living person tells a lie, it speeds up his clock." This also makes sense, so the guy takes one last look around the room before leaving and notices one clock in the center of the ceiling. On this clock, both hands are spinning at an unbelievable rate.
"What's the story with that clock?"
"Oh, that," St. Peter replies. "That's Bill Clinton's clock. We decided to use it as a fan."
Once upon a time, a blonde became so sick of hearing blonde jokes that she had her hair cut and died brown. A few days later, as she was driving around the countryside, she stopped her car to let a flock of sheep pass.
Admiring the cute woolly creatures, she said to the shepherd, "If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one?" The shepherd, always the gentleman replied, "Of course." The blonde thought for a moment and for no discernible reason said, "352."
This being the correct number, the shepherd was, understandably, totally amazed and exclaimed, "You're right! O.K., I'll keep to my end of the deal. Take your pick of my flock." The blonde carefully considered the entire flock and finally picked one that was by far cuter and more playful than any of the others.
When she was done, the shepherd turned to her and said, "O.K., now I have a proposition for you. If I can guess your true hair color, can I have my dog back?"
A middle aged woman has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she has a near-death experience. During that experience she sees God and asks if this is it? God says "no" and explains that she has another 30-40 years to live.
Upon her recovery she decides to stay in the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction, breast augmentation, tummy tuck, etc. She even has someone come in and change her hair color. She figures since she has another 30-40 years, she might as well make the most of it.
She walks out of the hospital after the last operation and is killed by an ambulance speeding to the hospital. She arrives in front of God and asks, "I thought you said I had another 30-40 years?"
God replies, "Sorry, I didn't recognize you."
A man was fishing and he caught a crocodile. The crocodile told him, "Please let me go. I'll grant you any wish you desire." The man said, "Okay. I wish my todger could nearly touch the floor." .. the crocodile bit off his legs.
sorry went a bit mad
On Christmas morning, a cop on horseback was sitting at a traffic light. Next to him was a kid on his shiny new bike.
The cop said to the kid, "Nice bike you've got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"
The kid said, "Yeah."
The cop said, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike." The cop then proceeded to issue the kid a $20 bicycle safety violation ticket.
The kid took the ticket, but before he rode off he said, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"
Humoring the kid, the cop said, "Yeah, he sure did."
Kid replies .. "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top"
I'll stop there for now!!
~*Sarah*~- Admin
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Number of posts : 623
Age : 34
Localisation : Camp Jeffrey in Cornwall
Emploi : JT's Cornish Pixie!
Registration date : 2007-06-08
Re: Joke thread
by ~*Sarah*~ Sun 15 Jul 2007, 5:32 pm
For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on
nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those
conflicting medical studies.
1. Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than
the British or Americans.
2. Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the
British or Americans.
3. Africans drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks
than the British or Americans.
4. Italians drink large amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart
attacks than the British or Americans.
5. Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and
suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those
conflicting medical studies.
1. Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than
the British or Americans.
2. Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the
British or Americans.
3. Africans drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks
than the British or Americans.
4. Italians drink large amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart
attacks than the British or Americans.
5. Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and
suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
~*Sarah*~- Admin
-
Number of posts : 623
Age : 34
Localisation : Camp Jeffrey in Cornwall
Emploi : JT's Cornish Pixie!
Registration date : 2007-06-08
Re: Joke thread
by ~*Sarah*~ Sun 15 Jul 2007, 5:56 pm
Sean Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson, and bragged that despite
being 72 years of age, he could still have sex 3 times a night.
Cilla Black, who was also a guest, looked intrigued. After the show, Cilla
said, "Sean, if I'm not bein too forward, I'd luv to 'ave sex with yer.
Lets go back to my ouse, we could 'ave a lorra fun. So they went back to
her place. After a couple of drinks they went off to bed and had an hour of
mad passionate sex together.
Afterwards, Sean says, "If you think that was good, let me shleep for half
an hour, and we can have better shex. But while I'm shleeping, hold my bawls
in your left hand and ma wullie in your right hand".
Cilla looks a bit perplexed, but says "alright chuck".
He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex than
before. Then Sean says, "Cilla,that was wonderful. But if you let me shleep
for an hour, we can have the besht shex yet. You'll have to....... "I know
Sean. Yer want me to 'old onto yer bat 'n balls again. No problem hun".
Cilla complies with the routine. The results are absolutely mind blowing.
Once it's all over, they have a drink, Sean lights a cigarette and Cilla asks
"Sean, tell me, dis 'oldin yer balls in one hand and yer willie in de
other - does it really stimulate yer dat much?"
Sean replies, "No, not at all Cilla, but the last time I shlept with a
Scouser , the bitch stole ma wallet!".
being 72 years of age, he could still have sex 3 times a night.
Cilla Black, who was also a guest, looked intrigued. After the show, Cilla
said, "Sean, if I'm not bein too forward, I'd luv to 'ave sex with yer.
Lets go back to my ouse, we could 'ave a lorra fun. So they went back to
her place. After a couple of drinks they went off to bed and had an hour of
mad passionate sex together.
Afterwards, Sean says, "If you think that was good, let me shleep for half
an hour, and we can have better shex. But while I'm shleeping, hold my bawls
in your left hand and ma wullie in your right hand".
Cilla looks a bit perplexed, but says "alright chuck".
He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex than
before. Then Sean says, "Cilla,that was wonderful. But if you let me shleep
for an hour, we can have the besht shex yet. You'll have to....... "I know
Sean. Yer want me to 'old onto yer bat 'n balls again. No problem hun".
Cilla complies with the routine. The results are absolutely mind blowing.
Once it's all over, they have a drink, Sean lights a cigarette and Cilla asks
"Sean, tell me, dis 'oldin yer balls in one hand and yer willie in de
other - does it really stimulate yer dat much?"
Sean replies, "No, not at all Cilla, but the last time I shlept with a
Scouser , the bitch stole ma wallet!".
~*Sarah*~- Admin
-
Number of posts : 623
Age : 34
Localisation : Camp Jeffrey in Cornwall
Emploi : JT's Cornish Pixie!
Registration date : 2007-06-08
Re: Joke thread
by Inanna Mon 16 Jul 2007, 12:34 am
The queen of England was visiting one of Canada's top hospitals, and during her tour of the floors she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating.
"Oh my god!", said the Queen, "That's disgraceful, what is the meaning of
this???"
The doctor leading the tour explains, "I'm sorry your highness, this man has a very serious condition where the testicles rapidly fill with semen. If he doesn't do that five times a day, they would explode and he would most likely die instantly."
"Oh, I am sorry" said the Queen.
On the next floor they passed a room where a young nurse was giving a patient a blow job.
"Oh my God", said the Queen, "What's happening in there?"
The Doctor replied, "Same problem, better health plan."
"Oh my god!", said the Queen, "That's disgraceful, what is the meaning of
this???"
The doctor leading the tour explains, "I'm sorry your highness, this man has a very serious condition where the testicles rapidly fill with semen. If he doesn't do that five times a day, they would explode and he would most likely die instantly."
"Oh, I am sorry" said the Queen.
On the next floor they passed a room where a young nurse was giving a patient a blow job.
"Oh my God", said the Queen, "What's happening in there?"
The Doctor replied, "Same problem, better health plan."
Inanna- newbie
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Number of posts : 31
Age : 52
Localisation : Canada
Registration date : 2007-06-13
~*Sarah*~- Admin
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Number of posts : 623
Age : 34
Localisation : Camp Jeffrey in Cornwall
Emploi : JT's Cornish Pixie!
Registration date : 2007-06-08
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